Story by ASIA BOWN

Being a minority in a white community proves to be an exhausting experience for many Asian Americans. They do not look like a majority of their peers and therefore experience a level of separation from them, as well as both implicit and explicit racism.

These instances of racism inspire internal conflict in some Asian Americans. While stereotypes are widely disliked, some Asian Americans find that they identify with them, which can lead to slight identity crises. 

In the absence of a bustling Asian American community, there isn’t a void. People find their own ways to build communities that allow them to be themselves without having to field questions about their identities. 

Racism and feeling like an “other”

“When you’re a kid, you get singled out for your otherness,” said Brian Pham, a senior at the University of Utah, about his childhood in white South Jordan, a city 15 miles south of Salt Lake City.

He often felt singled out for being Asian. As one of the few Asian kids, racial slurs were cast his way at school and he heard his fair share of rude comments about his Asianness. It was the racism he faced from adults, however, that made the biggest impression. 

Pham described an incident regarding a gym teacher in middle school. “He couldn’t figure me out,” he recalled, recounting that the teacher said, “You have the hair of a Jap [Japanese person] and the last name of a Chinese [person].”

These sorts of explicit racism and microaggressions proved to be extremely exhausting for Pham. He said he feels like he constantly has to explain himself and his identity as an Asian American person, to explain what he is and is not.  

Pham referenced Cathy Park Hong’s “Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning” and called discussions about his Vietnamese American heritage ontological. He isn’t just explaining his heritage. The reality is much more philosophical than that.

He pulled the book out of his backpack and flipped through it to locate a favorite passage. “Patiently educating a clueless white person about race is draining,” he read from the book. “It takes all your powers of persuasion. It’s like explaining to a person why you exist, or why you feel pain, or why your reality is distinct from their reality. The person has all of Western history, politics, literature and mass culture on their side proving that you don’t exist.”

Pham added that he cannot shed his Asian American identity when he wants to avoid racist people, nor can he choose to “turn it on” when it might help him secure benefits like scholarships.

Wanting to take a break from your identity is rooted not in shame, but fatigue. Like Hong wrote in “Minor Feelings,” being Asian is having to offer a series of explanations defending your entire existence and having to explain why you are or aren’t a certain way. 

These microaggressions and experiences with racism aren’t unique to Pham’s experience. Katrina Mỹ Quyên Lê, a senior at the University of Utah, experienced a slew of racist conversations and actions directed at her Vietnamese and Chinese background while growing up in Taylorsville, Utah.

When she was in third grade, Lê’s teacher repeatedly told her parents that they should enroll her in English as a second language classes. Lê noted that this wouldn’t have been a problem if her English wasn’t good, but she was reading and writing at similar levels to her white peers. 

Her teacher’s comments were based on racist stereotypes rather than actual instances Lê had demonstrated she needed extra help.

As a kid, she also fielded racist comments from her classmates. Kids made fun of her food, telling her how gross it was. In eighth grade, one boy walked up to her and said some version of, “ping pang wing wang wong.”

Later, her family faced racist comments from neighbors after hosting a barbecue. Unbeknownst to them, such activities had been temporarily banned as a result of a recent fire. Neighbors confronted her parents, asking them if they could speak English. 

Lê’s family wasn’t aware of the ban.

It’s instances like these that may seem small to some people, but leave lasting impressions on the people that have to endure them. 

Internal conflict and learning to celebrate Asian identities

Along with the explicitly racist comments, Lê’s Vietnamese and Chinese heritage often bore the target of implicit racism. Kids at school would ask her if she was good at math or science because she was Asian. 

Not only were these assumptions annoying on a surface level, they also became the subject of internal conflict. Lê was good at math and science, but not because she was Asian. She worked hard and wanted to succeed, but these traits, too, are often interwoven with the perceived Asian American identity. 

As a STEM major, Lê continues to fit the stereotype, but she wanted to be seen as more than that. In fighting the nerdy Asian American trope, she discovered that the best way to feel comfortable in her identity was to create and embody a sort of counterculture that works against the stereotypes, one that’s even stronger.

She aims to feel empowered by her Asian American identity, not held down by it. Salt Lake City Council Member Darin Mano feels similarly about his Japanese American heritage. Mano said he finds inspiration through his Asian heritage that he hopes to channel in his work in city council.

“I don’t want to be beyond racial difference — I want to celebrate it,” Mano said of his identity philosophy in a Zoom interview.

Mano may be a city councilmember for one district, but he said he considers himself to be a representative of the entire Asian American community in Utah. He seeks to help his community through legislation and representation in local politics.

His achievements in race politics include the creation of a commission that governs racial equality in policing with only Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC) in leadership. For Mano, this was an important step in advancing legislation for people of color, including Asian people.

The commission is also the first to compensate its members for their service. Mano said people expect BIPOC people to do work for free, and in achieving this goal he was able to champion people of color and ensure greater representation.

Building their own communities

While living in a predominantly white area can beleaguer people’s efforts to identify with a larger Asian American community, it does not appear to stop them from building their own communities in which they feel comfortable in their Asian identities.

Pham and Lê grew up and live in white areas, but they’ve managed to find communities wherein their identities are accepted and embraced. They have tight-knit friendships and family groups where they can practice their cultures and create their own traditions. 

Instead of fostering jealousy over the long-held traditions of other families and cultures, Pham is starting his own. On Thanksgiving, his family makes platters of Vietnamese food for everyone to eat, but every year someone will attempt to make a traditional American turkey. Regardless of its success, it’s an aspect of an American holiday that his family has taken and made their own.

Pham said that he’s continuing to build his cultural identity through creating new reasons and ways of celebrating holidays and other parts of life. It’s through these traditions that he can also celebrate his identity.

Lê finds solace in talking about her experiences with friends who can relate. She said that most of the comfort she finds in her community comes from time spent together eating, talking, cooking, and simply being with one another. 

They share their experiences of racism, questions they have about their identities, and they reckon with their own feelings about their identities. Not all of their conversations are so heavy, though, and this balance in her relationships brings her comfort and a sense of belonging.

Mano has also spent the majority of his life in Utah, making a large non-Asian population normal for him. Despite this, he feels a deep sense of community with those around him. He cares about his neighbors and has taken on the responsibility of advocating for Asian Americans in Salt Lake City.

The otherness that Pham discussed may seem like it could inspire feelings of loneliness, but there appears to be a certain resilience among Asian Americans. They don’t abandon all hopes of a community just because they aren’t surrounded by other Asians. Their community-building process consists of gathering the people who make them feel safe and celebrating their identities in various ways.

Pham, Lê, and Mano don’t feel hindered by the absence of a large Asian American community. Instead, they choose to champion their individual communities and work within them to celebrate their identities and cultures.

Filed under: Asian American, Education, Mental Health, Politics, Profiles |